Years ago, one of the items we had in our Sunday morning setup was a magnetized board in the back of the room called our "9:1 Board". It was based on Psalm 9:1, which says, "I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds." The goal of this board was to provide a place for people to share a testimony of how God had been at work in their lives (and through that, to encourage others with his "wonderful deeds"). Consider this a digital version of that board (click for more), and be encouraged by this testimony from Kedrick Smith...
The Storm
2:00 am. Confused, scared, feelings of dread and terror coursing through my body. Heart pounding. Head hurts. A hundred different thoughts going through my mind: “You’re under the wrath of God!” “What is reality?” “You don’t believe in God!” “Where am I?” “What am I?” “What is real?” “Am I real?” “Hell and judgment are waiting for you!” “God hates you!” “You’re going to die!”.
Last October I went to the movie theater to watch a sci-fi/horror movie. Before going to see it I knew that it was probably not a good idea given my past with horror movies. Before the Lord saved me, I loved horror films. The scarier the better, especially when it came to movies that had depictions of the supernatural or demonic. The still small voice was telling me that I shouldn’t be watching a movie like that. But I decided to watch it anyway.
Twenty minutes into the movie, I was really enjoying it. The only thing I didn’t like was that I was starting to get very anxious. But I kept watching. As the forty-five minute mark was approaching, the violence in the scenes kept getting more intense... and so did my anxiety, to the point that I quickly got up from my seat and walked out; all the while knowing I shouldn’t have gone in the first place.
My anxiety had now turned to panic. My mind and heart were racing. I didn’t know why. And almost as soon as I stepped outside it happened: the storm. Once I got outside, something seemed to snap or disconnect. My surroundings felt weird and looked weird, and I began to be very confused. I got into my car and the feelings and thoughts only got worse. I would look at the cars around me and my mind would think “What are those?” I’d look at the sky and my mind would think “What is that?” Every where I looked I was confused. There was this uncertainty about everything: my hands on the steering wheel, the guy in the car next to me, the trees I was passing by. The best way I can explain it is that my grip on reality was like a small plastic toy boat in a raging typhoon.
All these thoughts were accompanied by feelings of dread and foreboding. Once I got home I went straight to my room to try and take a nap, the thoughts had gotten so terrifying and so numerous that my head had started to feel as if Arnold Schwarzenegger was squeezing it. I laid down and was able to doze off. I thought all I needed was some sleep and my mind would go right back to normal. Well, I went to sleep, but as soon as I woke up, I was right back where I started. But the fact this storm did not go away after sleeping made me start to panic even more. It didn’t help that at the time I was living by myself, I didn’t have anyone around who could help ground me. I called an older brother in the faith, desperate for help and reassurance. We talked for a while. I was telling him not only the thoughts of condemnation that I was having, but also that reality seemed so weird and almost fake. It was scary to even have my eyes open because everything I looked at my mind questioned, then my body felt. And this cycle would spiral on and on and on. But thankfully, this brother encouraged me with the word. I don’t remember the exact words, but I knew what he was getting at.
God's word is true. God is reality. God's love is a reality for me because I am in Christ by faith. Because Satan does not want me to believe God or trust him, he will use anything, especially moments when I’m at my weakest, to try and have me doubt God's love. And if he can do that, then I truly am in a storm.
Though that brother's words were encouraging, even bringing tears to my eyes, God did not calm the waves just yet. After we got off the phone I felt better for a little bit, but soon, the storm came back.
The next couple of months were some of the hardest in my life. I could not sleep, didn’t eat all that much, and my mind felt like it was going to shatter into a thousand little pieces. Racing thoughts kept me up all night, and the feelings that accompanied them were awful. I was completely helpless. Where was I going to turn? Should I leave the faith? After all fifty percent of the thoughts that haunted me were about God and his judgment. I'm not proud to say it but this thought did cross my mind: if I just tried to stop believing in him I’d be half way done with my problem. But I knew deep down that I couldn’t do that and I think I also knew that God would not just let me walk away. I’ve learned this from past seasons of struggle in my life.
So what was I going to do? Well, by the grace of God, I turned to His word. I started reading the Psalms. And after I had read Psalm 3 I was hooked. In psalm 3:2 David says that “Many are saying of my soul, “there is no salvation for Him in God”. I immediately thought, “THATS ME! My thoughts are saying that about my soul constantly!”. And then there’s verses 3-6:
But you O Lord are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord and he answered me from his holy hill
I lay down and slept, I awoke again for the Lord sustained me.
I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.
I believe that this was a turning point. Not in the sense that the thoughts died down but that I had now seen how I am to respond to such thoughts and accusations made against my soul.
The thought: “You’re a disgusting sinner and a hypocrite, your faith is fake and you’re going to be in everlasting torment”
The response: “Yes, I am one of the most wretched sinners alive, and at times I am a hypocrite, and yes, my faith is not all that strong or as sincere as it should be. But the Lord is my shield, a mighty shield all around me. He is my glory and He will lift my head”
And verses 7 and 8:
Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
You break the teeth of the wicked
Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be in your people.
Here it says that it is God who must arise and rescue me. He must save me, for salvation belongs to HIM. If I were to turn from him where would I go? Who else would I or could I turn to for help? The answer is no one. Like one of my new favorite songs puts it,
“Jesus said that if I fear I should come to him,
No one else can be my shield I should come to him,
for the Lord is GOOD & FAITHFUL
He will keep us day and night, we can always run to Jesus,
Jesus strong and kind”.
I ended up reading through the entire books of Psalms for the first time and after reading, studying, and praying through them, I was much more equipped to face the storm. God did not take it away after one prayer or one Bible reading, and I still struggle with the same feelings and thoughts almost a year later. However the storm is much quieter, and Gods word is much louder. God was faithful to me, there were so many nights that I thought, “This is it, my soul is lost and I’m undone.” But “I lay down and slept, I awoke again, for the Lord sustained me”.
The struggle is still very real and I can often be tempted to discouragement. But when the storm comes and I look back at God's faithfulness to me, I am strengthened. And when I gather and meet with the people of God who also have their own storms, I am reminded that we all struggle, and I am not alone in the fight. I have learned to trust God in new ways, and I am learning how to be okay with 'limping' through this life. I have A LOT more to learn, but this I know and testify to: God is faithful to those who though weak and imperfect, take him at his word, even if it is only a light grasp.