How God's Word Speaks to a Christian Who Wants to Date or Marry a Non-Christian

While Christians today often wrestle with marriage questions related to divorce or homosexuality, one issue discussed less often concerns marrying outside the faith; that is, when a genuine believer marries (or plans to marry) an unbeliever. It may be surprising to some that the New Testament does not include a verse that explicitly says, "Christians should not marry non-Christians." Of course, there are a lot of things that we as disciples of Jesus believe that are not explicitly stated in one, specific verse. Instead, they are beliefs based on the picture painted by a number of verses that are brought together, like tiles in a mosaic. I believe this topic is one of those instances. Below I've compiled, in light of sacred Scripture, a number of questions and answers that I pray will be helpful mosaic tiles, that when presented together, will reveal a clear picture of God's design, God's warnings, and God's heart for his children. As we turn to His word, let's start with the Old Testament witness...

Does the Old Testament contain any restrictions regarding marriage outside the covenant community? Yes. The passage in which this is described most clearly is Deuteronomy 7:1-6. The Israelites, who had entered into a covenant relationship with God at Mount Sinai, were commanded to "not intermarry" (v. 3) with the "seven nations" (v. 1) that lived in the land of Canaan. This restriction was not based on race or ethnicity, but a concern that foreigners (in this case, women), "would turn away your sons from following [Yahweh], to serve other gods". This concern about intermarriage (first announced in Exodus 34:12-16) also appears in Joshua 23:12-13, Judges 3:6-7, and Ezra 9:1-2. And when in Nehemiah 13, Nehemiah confronts Jewish men who had married outside the covenant community (13:23-24), he not only references the Law of Moses regarding "this great evil" (13:27), but also points out that even someone as exalted (and wise!) as King Solomon was susceptible to this kind of compromise (as well as a heartbreaking example of its devastating consequences)(13:26; 1 Kings 11:1-2). 

Was this marriage restriction only for those who were under the Law of Moses? No. Before the time of Moses and the giving of the Law, this concern is apparent beginning with Abraham, who didn't want his son Isaac to marry a Canaanite woman, but someone from his own "country and... kindred" (Genesis 24:2-4) Following his father's example, Isaac also tells his son Jacob (who later became "Israel"), "You must not take a wife from the Canaanite women." (Genesis 28:1). Why this restriction? If God promised to make Abraham’s family "a great nation" (Genesis 12:2), then it makes sense that these Hebrew patriarchs would reject the idea of intermarriage with neighboring, idolatrous nations. So there is, in fact, a concern about marriage outside the covenant community that predates the Law of Moses. 

Is there any evidence that this commitment to marriage inside the covenant community was present in the early church as well? Yes. When the Apostle Paul wrote in response to questions from the church in Corinth, one of their questions touched on an issue Jesus did not explicitly address in his teaching ministry: "If I become a born-again disciple of Jesus, should I divorce my unbelieving spouse?" (7:12) Why might someone ask this? This question only makes sense in a church context where it was taught that believers should not marry outside the covenant community (this is why Paul--in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16-- has to clarify the implications for those who were already married when converted to Christ). At the end of the same chapter, Paul plainly presents this 'marriage-inside-the-covenant-community' principle when addressing wives who might become widows: "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord." (7:39) The restrictive phrase "only in the Lord" is meant to qualify the permissive phrase, "to whom she wishes". It almost certainly means that only marriage within the covenant community was permissible. Moreover, this same teaching is evident only two chapters later when Paul writes about his own freedom as an apostle: "Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?" (9:5) When it comes to marriage, Paul's freedom in Christ (9:1) is only restricted by the command to marry "in the Lord"; that is, to take only a "believing" spouse. Since it would be highly unusual (and without support from the text) to view the marriage restriction of 7:39 and 9:5 as only applying to widows and apostles, it seems much more likely that these verses are informed by the broadly biblical prohibition against marriage outside the covenant community (a prohibition that, as 1 Corinthians demonstrates, was adopted by the early church as well).

The clearest text to address this question is 2 Corinthians 6:14. But isn't it true that Paul's well-known teaching there on being "unequally yoked" is NOT specifically addressing this topic of marriage? Yes, that is true. When Paul calls the Corinthian church to "not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14), the context (unlike 1 Corinthians 7) is not specifically dealing with issues related to marriage. So why this warning regarding "unbelievers"? While the broader context does point to some who were introducing worldly ideas into the church (4:1-4; 5:12; 11:13), unfortunately, identifying these "unbelievers" as a specific group is difficult. It seems safer to see Paul's command in 1 Corinthians 6:14-17 as a more general warning about any kind of partnership with unbelievers in which the "yoked" disciple is downplaying the huge, spiritual disparity that exists in such a relationship, and consequently, in which the believer is likely to be adversely influenced by such "fellowship". So, since this command is presented so generally, it can't not also be applicable to marriage. Why? Because marriage is the only human relationship in which "the two shall become one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). Additionally, marriage is described in God's word as a "covenant" relationship (Malachi 2:14). In light of these things, it's hard to imagine a closer 'yoking' than this, and a more relevant relationship in terms of Paul's warning and command in this text.

A related question we might ask would be, "In what ways do we see the heart of God in this marriage restriction (i.e., only within the covenant community)?" As is apparent in so many of these passages, I think we can say that the heart behind this command is, first, spiritual protection for the servant of God. If even someone with divinely-bestowed wisdom like King Solomon was led astray by an unbelieving spouse (in his case, spouses), then it would be dangerous for us to deliberately place ourselves in a covenant partnership with an individual who is still "dead in [their] trespasses and sins... following the course of this world, [and] following the prince of the power of the air" (Ephesians 2:1-2); someone who is an "enemy" of God (Romans 5:10; Colossians 1:21). Of course, temptations in this kind of unequal 'yoking' can be extremely subtle. If Christ is central and most precious to the believer, and growth in marital intimacy is hindered because an unbelieving spouse does not and cannot share that commitment, then the believing spouse will very likely be tempted (in subtle ways) to compromise the priority of Jesus for the sake of closeness/intimacy in one's marriage. From another perspective, the heart behind this marital restriction also seems related to what we might call spiritual promotion. As we are inspired by our love for Jesus and by his example, Christian marriage has the powerful ability to reveal (to children, to fellow believers, to a watching world) the greatness and grace of Christ's love for his Church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Though someone facing these issues may not think of it in these terms, the choice to marry outside the covenant community is ultimately a rejection of Christian marriage, and how God wants to work in and through this kind of sacred union for his glory. So we could say that along with hearing and considering the testimony of other believers, believers who are presently married to unbelievers, who live each day with the heaviness of this spiritual inequality, the testimony of God's sacred word is meant to point us, in love, to the goodness of his design for our lives, and to the ultimate goodness of protective prohibitions such as these.

What if the unbeliever is faith-friendly or seems close to conversion? Some may sincerely believe that if the non-Christian in a dating relationship is generally supportive of the believer's faith (and his or her faith activities), or if the couple is in agreement in terms of their values, morals, etc., or if the unbeliever seems close to trusting in Christ, that these are good reasons to soften the marriage restrictions revealed by God's word. But this distorts the 'two paths' (or two ways to live) imagery used throughout Scripture. If believers are "children of light" (1 Thessalonians 5:5), then every unbeliever (whether theist, agnostic, or atheist, whether nominal Christian or devout Buddhist, whether Muslim or Mormon) is of the "darkness" (Ephesians 5:8; Colossians 1:13). This is precisely Paul's point in 2 Corinthians 6:14–16a, where he asks, "For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols?" Our assessment of a person's spiritual position is never certain (and in these scenarios, often biased). Someone on the verge of faith might stay that way for decades (or even more difficult, become increasingly annoyed over the years by the priority of their spouse's faith). Ultimately, we know compromise is not an effective strategy when it comes to bearing witness to Christ. Even when we believe we are accommodating out of love, in the end, we are simply undercutting the priority of Christ in our lives and the purity of our faith. God has called us to shine on a very different path, even when romantic feelings tempt us to imagine a middle ground.

Referenced and/or Related Passages:

And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh, that I may make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, but will go to my country and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” (Genesis 24:2-4)

When Esau was forty years old, he took Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite to be his wife, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite, [35] and they made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah. (Genesis 26:34-35) Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I loathe my life because of the Hittite women. If Jacob marries one of the Hittite women like these, one of the women of the land, what good will my life be to me?" (Genesis 27:46)

Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him and directed him, "You must not take a wife from the Canaanite women. [2] Arise, go to Paddan-aram to the house of Bethuel your mother's father, and take as your wife from there one of the daughters of Laban your mother's brother. (Genesis 28:1-2)

Take care, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you go, lest it become a snare in your midst. [13] You shall tear down their altars and break their pillars and cut down their Asherim [14] (for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God), [15] lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and when they whore after their gods and sacrifice to their gods and you are invited, you eat of his sacrifice, [16] and you take of their daughters for your sons, and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods. (Exodus 34:12–16)

"When the LORD your God brings you into the land that you are entering to take possession of it, and clears away many nations before you, the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations more numerous and mightier than you, [2] and when the LORD your God gives them over to you, and you defeat them, then you must devote them to complete destruction. You shall make no covenant with them and show no mercy to them. [3] You shall not intermarry with them, giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, [4] for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods. Then the anger of the LORD would be kindled against you, and he would destroy you quickly. [5] But thus shall you deal with them: you shall break down their altars and dash in pieces their pillars and chop down their Asherim and burn their carved images with fire. [6] "For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the
face of the earth. (Deuteronomy 7:1-6)

For if you turn back and cling to the remnant of these nations remaining among you and make marriages with them, so that you associate with them and they with you, [13] know for certain that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations before you, but they shall be a snare and a trap for you, a whip on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good ground that the LORD your God has given you. (Joshua 23:12-13)

And their daughters they took to themselves for wives, and their own daughters they gave to their sons, and they served their gods. [7] And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the LORD. They forgot the LORD their God and served the Baals and the Asheroth. (Judges 3:6-7)

Now King Solomon loved many foreign women, along with the daughter of Pharaoh: Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Sidonian, and Hittite women, [2] from the nations concerning which the LORD had said to the people of Israel, “You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” Solomon clung to these in love. (1 Kings 11:1–2)

After these things had been done, the officials approached me and said, "The people of Israel and the priests and the Levites have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands with their abominations, from the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. [2] For they have taken some of their daughters to be wives for themselves and for their sons, so that the holy race has mixed itself with the peoples of the lands. And in this faithlessness the hand of the officials and
chief men has been foremost." (Ezra 9:1-2)

In those days also I saw the Jews who had married women of Ashdod, Ammon, and Moab. [24] And half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod, and they could not speak the language of Judah, but only the language of each people. [25] And I confronted them and cursed them and beat some of them and pulled out their hair. And I made them take an oath in the name of God, saying, "You shall not give your daughters to their sons, or take their daughters for your sons or for yourselves. [26] Did not Solomon king of Israel sin on account of such women? Among the many nations there was no king like him, and he was beloved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel. Nevertheless, foreign women made even him to sin. [27] Shall we then listen to you and do all this great evil and act treacherously against our God by marrying foreign women?" (Nehemiah 13:23-27)

To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. [13] If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. [14] For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. [15] But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. [16] For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12–16)

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39)

Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Are not you my workmanship in the Lord? [2] If to others I am not an apostle, at least I am to you, for you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord. [3] This is my defense to those who would examine me. [4] Do we not have the right to eat and drink? [5] Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas? (1 Corinthians 9:1–5)

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? [15] What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? [16] What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, "I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. [17] Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, (2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-33)